They Say It Takes a Village. But What if Yours Is Far Away?
By Sarina Rene
School season is here and life is about to get very busy. It’s important to tap into your village during the busy seasons. But what if you don’t have a village?
They say it takes a village… but what happens if your village is scattered all over the place?
As a millennial, I grew up watching shows about close friends who hung out for lazy week-night dinners, celebrated life’s milestones together, shared in each other’s sorrows. They created their own little village, dropping everything whenever one of them needed help.
My village, on the other hand, is all over the place. Being an only child, I never grew up with a sibling dynamic, but fortunately, I have been incredibly blessed to cultivate friendships with some amazing women over my life. However, most of them don’t live nearby. It was manageable until I had my son and one of my biggest fears became — Who would I ask for help when needed?
What do you do when you don’t have your village nearby? You create one.
Join the Playgroup
My first step as a new mom was taking my son to playgroup. Sounds easy, right? I wish! It took me four months to work up the courage. The thought of going was nerve-wracking and intrusive thoughts plagued me for days leading up to my first visit:
What if no one talks to me?
What if everyone already has friends and I’m the odd one out?
What if I make a friend but forget her name?
I already struggled with the anxiety of going places by myself. Postpartum brain fog had set in alongside the four-month regression, making even the simplest tasks feel like climbing a mountain. Even though I was nervous and scared, I committed to attending playgroup almost every week, and slowly but surely, friendships began to form with the other moms. Many of them in very similar circumstances as myself. Playgroup brought me a few deep friendships - the kind where we can carpool or ask for an extra hand or covering emergency daycare closures.
Finding friendships in playgroup was essential, but I knew I also needed to fill my cup and build my village without the babies beside us.
Prioritize Adult Time
I decided to really push myself out of my comfort zone and join a work-out class with one of the mom friends from playgroup for some “me time” in the evenings. Over time, we made even more friends there. Seeing the same faces every week helped me build up the courage to ask their names, learn about them and invite them to other events. More times than not, they also had young children at home, and we started planning playdates and hanging out outside of the work-out class. But it was so valuable getting to spend adult time with other moms where we weren’t chasing our toddlers while attempting to have a conversation; it allowed us to actually get to know each other as individuals, and join each other’s villages.
Host Casual Dinners
I finally gave myself grace and turned our Friday night pizza dinners at home into a laid-back way to invite friends over. It was very casual. We’d order in, sit around the table chatting, the kids would play. I used to worry about cleaning the house and making it spotless and having an elegant spread of food out. But I quickly learned, none of that actually mattered. No one was inspecting my baseboards or criticizing the meal. It was a chance for all of us to gather, help one another through a dinner, laugh with friends, and give the kids the chance to socialize. What started as an easy family dinner turned into yet another way to reconnect with our village. It was something we all looked forward to.
Turns out, not having a village was the push I needed to create my own. Going to the playgroup, prioritizing adult time, hosting casual meals at home - these all contributed to building my village around me. And more importantly, asking for help when it was needed and reciprocating when asked - this is what creates the support network we all need when raising a family.
Want a village? Be a villager.
It might just be the best decision you make.