He Was Ready for Kindergarten. His Mama Wasn’t.
Written by Sarina Rene
After four years at home with her son, one mother confronts the unexpected grief of sending him to kindergarten.
My son started kindergarten this fall, and I knew it would be a big milestone, but I didn’t expect to feel so lost about it.
For four years, it’s been him and I almost daily. When it was time to think about going back to work, my husband and I weighed the pros and cons of returning to the workforce, or staying home and ultimately decided against daycare. For us, it made more financial sense for me to stay home and freelance after maternity leave ended.
“But I knew that this time, I wouldn’t be walking home with him.”
Anytime someone asked if my little dude was ready for school, he’d reply, “I’m ready, but my mama isn’t!” Out of the mouths of babes. But he was right. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been away from my son for longer than eight hours; a girl’s trip, an anniversary weekend and a much-needed solo mom day. I wasn’t ready for him to be gone EVERY DAY.
Walking to school almost felt normal, because it’s a walk we’ve done many times before for the playground. But I knew that this time, I wouldn’t be walking home with him. I was holding it together until I saw his teacher, and then the tears came. He happily ran to her without looking back, which made it both easier and harder.
Spending anywhere from 9-12 hours a day as the default parent has made me accustomed to having a little shadow by my side for everything… and it has also made me realize how weird it feels to drop off my little dude at school and come home to an empty house. I can finally use the bathroom in peace, but the house is too quiet. There’s no one following me up the stairs, no one calling my name every five seconds, no one singing away and playing with LEGO while I prep dinner.
I counted down the hours on that first day, wondering if he had a good day, if he liked his classroom and teachers. Did he miss me as much as I missed him? I spent the morning doing all the things I loved, like thrifting and going to the cafe—and when I looked at the clock, only two hours had passed!
By the time pick-up came around, I had already run a few more errands, prepped dinner and done a load of laundry (and still had time to read five chapters of a book). Little dude was full of excitement to see us, but even more excited to go back the next day.
Sometimes the hardest part of parenting is letting them go… and it’s a lesson I expect to learn over and over again.