What if the biggest predictor of your child’s well being wasn’t what you accomplish, but how you move through everyday moments? This perspective could reshape your entire understanding of motherhood.

The Myth of Supermom

Before having kids I had an unrealistic idea of an idealized family, with little understanding of what I would be sacrificing to meet that glossy image. The truth is, our culture glorifies images of perfection when it comes to motherhood and families. This narrative incentivises us to do more, and that more is better. My experience attempting to meet these expectations drained my energy, increased stress, altered my thyroid function, and dysregulated my kids. When I pushed back on expectations, my energy and mental clarity improved, which allowed me to cultivate my own regulation practice. The unexpected consequences were that my general health improved, and my kids became more regulated too. I’ve come to realize our kids don’t need perfection or constant achievements. They need a regulated household. The most impactful gift you can give your child is not perfection, it’s a mom with a regulated nervous system.

The Truth About Modern Motherhood? We’re All Overloaded.

If you feel tired, stressed or completely overwhelmed in motherhood, it’s not your fault. With curated images of perfection and endless advice on how to raise our kids well, there is always more to do to achieve the standard. It’s no wonder we are in a constant state of sympathetic nervous system activation, trying to do it all. It’s not our fault, our biology is merely trying to meet expectations.

When Mom is Dysregulated, Kids Feel It.

The first step to our child’s self-regulation is co-regulation. If you’ve ever tried to convince a dysregulated toddler that the blue cup is the same as the yellow one, with frustration evident in your voice, you know firsthand that negotiation is not the answer. Children borrow regulation from us when they can’t soothe themselves. We help first by modelling acceptance and calm, and then putting words to their feelings. Our irritability and distraction has an effect on them too. When our nervous system is activated, theirs often follows, making it that much more difficult to recover from disappointment. When our own stress makes it difficult for us to access our own emotional skills, we miss an opportunity to role model healthy coping.

Why Regulation is More Important Than Perfection: What Your Child Actually Needs

Kids don’t need perfection. They don’t need a magazine-worthy home for playdates, a jam packed schedule of activities, or a stacked resume by the time they graduate high school. What they do need is a calm anchor person to help them to recover from the big stresses their little nervous systems can’t handle. They need presence from their parents, and a sense of emotional safety. With a solid foundation of emotional safety and calm steadiness, we can be there for our children in a way that our parents may not have been there for us. This brings closeness and emotional intimacy for a life-long relationship based on trust and mutual respect.

What Do We Mean By Regulation? It’s Not Just Deep Breathing

We are better able to handle stress when we address it from multiple angles. It’s essential to regulate the body and the mind, protect our energy, and find micro-moments of positivity.

Regulating the Body: Nervous system regulation is a deeply personal way to make your body and nervous system feel calm and at ease. What works for you and your body depends on many things such as sensory preferences, neurodivergence, trauma history, and cultural norms. The only way to know what works for you is to experiment and notice.

Regulating the Mind: True stress resilience is more than bringing yourself into a parasympathetic state. It’s essential to turn to your thoughts since negative thinking patterns can trigger our stress response whether the stress is real (eg. a car speeding towards you while crossing the street), or perceived (eg. “I really hope my kids behave for the family photo shoot”).

Protecting Your Energy: While I know we may be weary of the concept of boundaries, here's what I frequently see with the women I work with: they may be regulating and auditing their thoughts consistently, but remain overcommitted. They are expected, either by themselves or others, to do more than they are reasonably able to. Boundaries come in many forms. Even if you have mastered delegating the workload, you might find yourself carrying the emotions of others that aren’t yours to carry.

Micro-Moments of Positivity: Many moms neglect their own joy due to their daily responsibilities. Positive Psychology suggests a 3:1 ratio of positive emotions to negative ones to flourish. While cultivating positive emotions amidst stress may seem difficult, small moments of joy can help to balance negative emotions. Reframing these moments as essential rather than indulgent can improve the ratio, leading to better stress management.

Taking Care of Yourself is Taking Care of Your Child

The greatest gift we can give our children and ourselves is our presence and emotional availability. This not only regulates your nervous system, resulting in greater overall health for you, it allows you to be the calm, resilient anchor children need to co-regulate. In doing so, you teach them how to recover from disappointment, navigate uncertainty and find strength in connection. Stress resilience isn’t something you master overnight; start slow and build small habits that fold into your lifestyle. Choose rest before resentment, or reframe your perfectionist thinking. The next time you feel guilty focusing on your own wellbeing, remember that your nervous system is the invisible foundation your child learns from everyday. Investing in your own well being isn’t selfish or self-indulgent. It’s parenting.

Kids Don’t Need a Superhero, They Need a Regulated Mom