I Loved Nursing. So Why Did It Break Me?
Written by Carolyn Beckner
Being a nurse is not for the faint of heart. But what happens when those nurses can’t keep up? Who picks up the pieces of a broken system when the nurses burnout?
I didn't always want to be a nurse. Growing up, I was pretty set on being a doctor, but after completing a co-op placement in the hospital, I realized I didn’t like the role of a doctor as much as I did that of a nurse. I felt called to it. That first class… it felt like I was right where I needed to be. My first class of nursing school was in September 2009 in Hamilton, Ontario. As a northern girl born and raised in Muskoka, the city life itself was an adjustment. Then came the onslaught of emotions. Nerves, excitement, fear, elation, freedom and nausea crashed over me in waves, never staying long enough to process it, just lingering long enough to foster doubts on your entire life plan.
But that rush of the first anatomy class, the elective class The first taste of the rest of my life? I couldn’t get enough.
“The first taste of the rest of my life? I couldn’t get enough.”
As I prepared for graduation, I was promised a job that was fulfilling, challenging, and well-paying. It was a role that deserved respect and attention. I would be an essential part of the medical system. I took that knowledge and motivation and finished school a semester early, jumping feet first into the workforce.
I spent my career as a Registered Nurse, specializing in obstetrics (the medical speciality focused on pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum). I supported countless families walking people through their absolute best and worst days with every ounce of my heart and mind invested in their outcomes. I wrote policies, I trained and taught others, I sat on committees and worked on applications to better patient outcomes. After over a decade of nursing I was sick, both mentally and physically. Sick of being given too much responsibility with too little support and compensation. Every day I was expected to make split second decisions, keep everyone alive, never make a mistake, never eat or go to the bathroom on time. All the while I still could not make enough to take my family on a decent vacation - assuming we also wanted to pay the mortgage and eat that month. I was physically ill too, but after an onslaught of tests, my doctor couldn't find anything actually wrong. It was stress that was attacking my body. I was working myself to death, or at least towards an extended sick leave.
I was burnt out beyond repair- so I quit my job, with no intention of ever going back.
And I’m not the only one. I don’t know a single nurse that hasn’t thought about leaving the profession in the last few years. They’re not all going to, but that doesn’t mean they’re not wishing they could. Being physically present at work doesn’t mean they aren’t burnt out. Every day a nurse walks into work, they are putting themselves at risk. Risk of a physical injury, risk of creating chronic injuries, risk of exposure, risk of trauma or abuse or neglect. Nurses experience incredibly high rates of on-the-job violence and are expected to just suck it up. Nurses are expected to manage unreasonable family expectations and beratement without complaining because “the family is having a hard time” or because “the patient is sweet enough”.
Nurses are sick of it and they’re leaving the bedside. This is showing up in the news, too. The headlines about the nursing crisis in Ontario are loud and flashy. They're alarmist and scary.
“‘We need more nurses’: Health care staff shortages continue to be a challenge” - CTV News
“Ontario will be short 33,000 nurses and PSWs by 2028, financial watchdog projects” - CBC News
“CIHI data reveals critical nursing shortage in Ontario” - RNAO
There are positive sounding headlines, too…
“Ontario to spend $56.8M to increase nursing enrolment” - CBC News
“Ontario Continues to Expand Nursing Workforce” - Ontario Government
“Ontario adds thousands of new nursing places at colleges, universities” - Global News
And here's the thing - they're all right. There is a nursing crisis in Ontario, and they're adding more funding and increasing enrolment. What does it mean that nurses are leaving the workforce? Or that even more people start nursing school and will eventually become nurses? To be totally honest - I don't know. I have my suspicions, but I don’t want to be right.
I’m concerned that with reduced access to emergency care, inexperienced nurses will be making decisions. But what comes with inexperienced nurses are the mistakes that are normal for their knowledge and skill level- but now without the oversight or supervision to correct and protect themselves or their patients.
New nurses are just that - new. They're green. They’re book smart, but not hands-on ready. There is still a whole generation of nurses that did their schooling during a pandemic - that's a massive challenge for them to overcome. They need the safety net of experienced nurses that can catch them when they fall and steady them when they flounder. What they’re getting right now is excessive responsibility and autonomy they’re just not ready for.
If we want a better medical system in place for our families, it starts with all of us.
Support the nurses you know.
They’re trying so hard. They keep going when they want to give up. Maybe they need to quit, but they can’t. A word of encouragement goes a long way.
Know your kids.
You will be their biggest advocate, so you better be paying attention. It’s less about them having a fever and more about how they’re acting when they have the fever. It’s not just that they’re hyperactive, it’s that they’re showing an inability to focus on multistep directions. When there are no nurses, YOU will be the only advocate left.
Routine doctor’s visits.
I don’t know if emergency rooms will start closing. I know in smaller towns, this is going to be routine practice because they won’t be able to staff well enough. Keep up to date on your vaccines, check ups, and assessments. Take advantage of evening or walk-in clinics. Getting professional eyes on you at the earliest signs of illness can keep you out of the emergency room.
Move your body, drink water, and eat some vegetables.
There is so much more to living a healthy lifestyle than this but please, please, do what you can to keep your body moving, hydrated, and full of nutrients. You can't prevent everything, but let's try to prevent the stuff we can and set ourselves up for success.
Pester your elected officials.
So much of this can be changed with money. The saying goes that money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does buy more nurses. It does buy the amount of compensation that makes it worthwhile for nurses to give so much of themselves every shift. It does buy enough supplies that no one is scared of not having a mask when they need it. It does buy extra support staff that can bear some of the physical burden. It does buy specialized equipment that will make jobs easier and more efficient.
As much as the title of the article would suggest otherwise, I don't actually regret going to nursing school. I don't regret getting my degree, or my license, or any of the work experiences I've had to this point. The people that I met, the friends I made - I wouldn't change them. But I’m not sure I'll ever use my degree again. I still have such a tainted view of the job, despite all the love I hold for pieces of it. I still wish I could deliver babies for a living, but without the life-sucking overhead cost of being in healthcare.
It’s been six months since I quit and I’m finally sleeping. My body has recovered. My mind is relatively calm. The near-PTSD levels of anxiety have waned as I write stories about my career.
Ontario is still in crisis, and that’s scary. The fact is, hospitals would rather lose a good nurse or two to save face. They know the majority won't leave. They know how much negativity they can dish out without facing consequences.
Nursing will always be essential, but for now, I'm on a break. Hopefully, one day, the people that have the power to make a change will finally see the value of nurses and fund them well. But until then - stay vigilant, be prepared, and speak up when you can.